May Angels Lead You In
by mncali
Summary: When Chandler's life is turned upside down, he must figure out how to deal or lose the one person he needs most. Horrible summary, please just read and review! EPILOGUE UP! PLEASE REVIEW! :)
1. Default Chapter

okay....im goin out on a limb here and starting a fic that is a completely different genre from wut i usually write. but i heard the song and i just knew it was meant for a fic. but anyway, this fic is still c and m (not goin on out a limb that much!), and the song is called "hear me you", but jimmy eat world. it probably wont be featured much in this first chapter, but it will make many apperances throughout the story. so here it is- my new fic....and all you need to know is that it's around season 10, so monica and chandler are married, and monica is two months pregnant (pretend TOW The Fertility Test didn't happen). and two other things: rachel and ross are married (emma's about two) and phoebe is married to mike.  
  
disclaimer: the characters aren't mine, and neither is the song. also, any lines i use from episodes of the show aren't mine either.  
  
"What do you mean, you're moving?" Joey exclaimed, not believing what he'd just heard.  
  
"Look, Joe, it's not that we don't love it here, it's just......" Chandler said, struggling to find words to convey his message.  
  
"No, there's no excuses. How could you leave us all?"  
  
"Well, that's the thing," said Chandler, "Ross and Rachel moved out to the suburbs with Emma, so it's not like they're around. And once Mike and Phoebe have kids, they'll probably move, too."  
  
"But not to Connecticut!" Joey yelled, "They'll at least stay in New York! Like Ross and Rachel!"  
  
"Joey, there's nothing I can do! My job's transferring me. This is the first time in my life I've had a job I care about, and this transfer is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. You've got to understand."  
  
"No, Chandler, I don't understand," Joey fumed, "How does Monica feel about this, huh? Does she understand?"  
  
"Well," Chandler said uneasily, "Yeah, she does. We're both looking for a change once the baby comes. We don't want to raise our child in the city."  
  
"So you're moving out of the state?" Joey screeched.  
  
"Joe, it's not even that far! Connecticut is like, three hours away from here!"  
  
"So? It's still not gonna be the same. We can't have coffee together anymore. No more pizza nights. None of that."  
  
"Joe," Chandler said, exasperated, "Things can't stay the same forever. I'm not a bachelor anymore like you. I'm somebody's husband and about to become somebody's father. I can't live like you do."  
  
"Are you saying I don't live the right way?"  
  
"No! It's just.....we're different, that's all. And if you haven't noticed, Ross is different now, too. It's not just me."  
  
"Yeah, well, Ross was never the same to me as you were. We were like brothers."  
  
"And we still can be!"  
  
"No," Joey said, "No, we can't. You move, Chandler, and that's it. We're through."  
  
"Are you serious?" Chandler said, his voice shaky.  
  
But Joey didn't answer. He simply walked out of the apartment and slammed the door.  
  
Okay....I know this is really confusing right now, but the beginning of practically all my fics are confusing! But it will make sense. And I know Joey's overreacting a bit, but, well, if you think about it, he's got his reasons. But anyway, I'm very hesitant about this fic and whether or not you'll like it, so please REVIEW! tell me if i should continue or just dump it. 


	2. He'll Come Around

Okay, well, thanks for reviewing! I'm still so shaky about this, wondering whether to continue, so ur reviews will make my day! anyway, please r and r!  
  
disclaimer: the song, any lines i use from the show and the characters are not mine  
  
Flashback:  
  
"Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking," said Joey as he lead Chandler into the apartment.  
  
"Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes."  
  
"Alright open your eyes," Joey said, letting Chandler see the two recliners and a huge television. "Sweet mother of all that is good and pure."  
  
"Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option."  
  
"Congratulations!" Chandler exclaimed  
  
" I know."  
  
"Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"So uh, which one is mine?"  
  
"Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want," Joey said as Chandler began to sit down, "Not that one."  
  
Chandler chose another one, "Ohh yes."  
  
"Ohh yeah, that's the stuff." Joey sighed as he sat down.  
  
"Do we dare?" Chandler asked.  
  
"We dare."  
  
"Aaahhhh," they exclaimed as they reclined, "AAAAHHHHHH."  
  
Return to Present  
  
"Something the matter?" The voice of Chandler's wife jolted him suddenly out of his flashback.  
  
"What?" Chandler, "Oh, uh, no, just thinking."  
  
"About anything in particular," she asked, sitting down next to him.  
  
"No, just....." Chandler sighed, "Joey."  
  
Monica sighed and squeezed his hand, "He'll come around," she said softly, "He's got to."  
  
"But what if he doesn't?" Chandler asked, "We're leaving in four days! What if he never forgives me?"  
  
"He will, honey," Monica said soothingly, "He will." Chandler just hoped she was right.  
  
"Okay, is that the last box?" Ross asked, as he hoisted the carton into the back of Chandler's new car.  
  
"I guess so," Chandler said distantly, as he gazed up at the apartment building where he'd spent the past decade. There were so many memories here. And not only was he leaving his home, he was also leaving the person who'd meant so much to him during these past years.  
  
"Feel a little weird?" Ross asked.  
  
"Yeah," Chandler sighed, "Yeah, it does."  
  
"Rachel and I felt that way, too, when we moved," Ross said, "But you get over it. I know it's hard, but we'll still see you. And you know it's the best move for your career, for your wife, for your baby."  
  
"I hope it is," Chandler said, "Because it's certainly not the best move for my friendship with Joey."  
  
"He'll come around, Chandler, don't worry," Ross said.  
  
"That's what everybody keeps saying," Chandler whispered, "But what if it's not true?"  
  
A large, gorgeous red brick house met Chandler's eyes. Behind the house, in the sprawling backyard was a swimming pool, complete with a diving board. You could watch swimmers from a wooden patio, and there was ample room in the yard for a swing set Chandler hoped he would one day buy for his children. The house in Connecticut was Chandler and Monica's dream home, everything they could ever want. And yet Chandler wasn't happy.  
  
He knew he should be. Here he was, with a fantastic new job, a gorgeous wife he loved more than anything, a beautiful house and a healthy baby on the way. But deep down, he still felt a horrible feeling of guilt because of his fight with Joey. He knew that Joey, in many ways, was being unreasonable. But in other ways, Chandler really couldn't blame him. He was practically alone now, and he had every right to be upset about that. But no matter who was right and who was wrong, Chandler still couldn't help but feel awful whenever he thought about Joey. His best friend, who hadn't even said good-bye when Monica and Chandler had left.  
  
Chandler sighed and tried to focus on what was ahead of him. His new life. His new life, that supposedly, would include Joey "when he came around". But Chandler wondered was his "new life" would be like, if, indeed, Joey never did "come around."  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! I know it's still confusing and you're wondering where the song fits in, but it will. so please review! thanks! 


	3. Company Party Memories

okay, and here we are at part three! im sorry if this story kinda seems like introduction after introduction......i swear it is going somewhere and it does use the song! this is the last "intro" part, and by the next part, the real story begins. so thanks for stickin w/ this and just bear w/ it a lil longer! anyway, im still really hesitant about this, so please review it and gimme some constructive criticisim! thanks, id be really grateful!  
  
disclaimer: i don't own the song (which still isn't used in this chapter, lol!), or the characters, or the flashbacks from the show.  
  
"And who would this lovely lady be?" Chandler's boss, Ryan, asked.  
  
Chandler grinned, "This is my wife, Monica. And this," he said, placing his hand proudly on Monica's abdomen, "is Baby Bing."  
  
Ryan laughed, "Nice to meet you, Monica. I've heard so much about you."  
  
"Nice to meet you, too, Ryan," Monica said, "And I hope you've heard good things."  
  
"Only the best," Ryan said, and he and Monica began conversing, as Chandler was jolted back to memory of another company party, a very long time ago......  
  
Flashback:  
  
Chandler raced into Central Perk, just as he saw his girlfriend, Monica, getting her coffee. "Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!"  
  
"Really?" she asked.  
  
"And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club," he stopped as Monica glared at him, "Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet."  
  
"Hey, I thought you already had one," she said.  
  
"Oh, I used to, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at.....bigger rocks."  
  
Return to Present  
  
Chandler had to stop himself from laughing out loud at the memory of Joey holding his battered tennis racquet. But at the same time, the memory struck a chord in his heart. Joey. He hadn't talked to Joey in two months, though he'd certainly made the effort to contact him. But Joey had never called back, never answered Chandler.  
  
"Honey?" Monica's voice tore Chandler away from his thoughts, "You ready to get going?"  
  
"What? Oh, uh, yeah," Chandler said softly, his mind still elsewhere. "Yeah, let's get going."  
  
Later that night in the car, Monica brought up the topic of their friends. They'd been in Connecticut for awhile now, and they were quite happy. They had a few new friends, people they'd met in Lamaze class and baby shopping. People like them. Married couples with a baby on the way, a few who already had babies. But as much as Chandler enjoyed his new friends, the memories of lazy afternoons in Central Perk and bachelor pizza nights with Joey still hung at the back of his mind. "So, um," Monica said, "I heard from Phoebe and Mike today."  
  
"Really?" Chandler said, only semi-interested.  
  
"Yeah," Monica said, and grinned, "Phoebe's pregnant."  
  
Chandler's interest sparked, "That's fantastic!" he said.  
  
"Yeah, yeah it is," Monica said, but then her tone turned sad, "But they're moving, too. Mike got a transfer to New Jersey. And I guess Joey's not too thrilled."  
  
Chandler was silent for a second, "Well, I guess he wouldn't be," he said softly.  
  
"You know, honey," Monica said hesitantly, "We really should.....call Joey or something."  
  
Chandler turned to his wife and sighed, "Don't you think I've tried? I've tried practically every day for the past two months, Mon, and it hasn't worked. He's just so damn stubborn. I don't even know why he's mad."  
  
Monica sighed, "Don't you get it, Chandler? He's not mad at you, he's mad at himself. Here you are, with this picture book life, and he doesn't even have a steady girlfriend. And our move, and Phoebe's move, and Ross and Rachel's move only make that more apparent. So, yes, he is being stubborn, but there's a reason."  
  
"Fine," said Chandler, "But that's no reason for him to be mad at ME."  
  
"Well, then," said Monica, "Make him stop being mad at you. If he won't answer the phone, find another way. But just get through to him."  
  
Chandler was silent for a long time. "Yeah," he whispered to himself, "Yeah, I can do that." Little did he know, he might never get the chance to.  
  
"Chandler Bing," Chandler said, using his trademark phone answer, as he picked up his work phone.  
  
"Hi, Chandler?" There was a shaky voice at the other end.  
  
"Yeah....." Chandler said uneasily, and finally he placed the voice, "Rachel?"  
  
"Yeah, it's me," she whispered, "Chandler, we're at the hospital."  
  
"What? Who's we? What's wrong? Who's sick? Is it Mon? Is the baby okay?"  
  
"Chandler, stop it. It's not Monica, I haven't even talked to her yet. It's Joey."  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! thanks! 


	4. Thought I Had Another Chance

here's part four! thanks for reviewing, it meant alot! im hoping to break 100 reviews on this fic, so please, keep 'em coming! anyway, please read and review this!  
  
disclaimer: song, lines, characters, all not mine. get it, got it? good.  
  
Part Four:  
  
There's no one in town I know  
  
You gave us some place to go  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
I thought I might get  
  
One more chance  
  
Chandler had thought he had another chance. He thought Joey would still be around to hear his "I'm sorry". He never thought of what would happen if suddenly Joey wasn't there. He'd always thought he'd be able to tell Joey "Thanks", for all the pizza nights and all the times Joey consoled him. He always thought he'd have time to say those things. He never thought of what would happen if there suddenly wasn't time.  
  
What would you  
  
Think of me now  
  
So lucky, so strong, so proud?  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
now I'll never have a chance  
  
Chandler's chance was gone. In the one second it'd taken for some arsonist to light a match, Chandler's life, Monica's life, Ross's life, Rachel's life and Phoebe's life had been changed forever.  
  
After Rachel's phone call, Chandler had phoned Monica and immediately picked her up. But by the time they'd arrived at the hospital, it was too late. Joey, who'd been one of the few people to actually make it out of the burning apartment building, had passed away from the ensuing burns. Upon hearing the news, Chandler passed out.  
  
When he came too, Chandler saw Monica standing over him. "Please," he whispered, "Please tell me that was a nightmare."  
  
Monica bit her lip to keep from crying, "I would do anything, baby," she whispered, "to make that the case." And with those words, she let out a horrible sob.  
  
Chandler couldn't cry. He wanted to, but it seemed his grief was beyond tears. All he could do was gather his wife in his arms, and wonder how things were ever going to be the same again.  
  
okay....i am SO sorry i had to kill joey, but it's necessary for the story. so PLEASE don't stop reading, pretty, pretty please! this is really a chandler fic, and c&m, too. but please keep on reading, and PLEASE write a review! thanks! 


	5. When Tears Won't Fall

heeere's part five! thanx 4 reviewing-keep it up! this chapter really sets the tone for the rest of the story, so pay attention. it's short, but it's important. anyway, please read and review!  
  
disclaimer: nothing is mine. seriously, i own pretty much nothing besides like, the few things ive bought w/ my own money! everything else is my parents, or jimmy eat world's, or bright, kaufmann, and crane's! lol!  
  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," the priest droned. Chandler glared at the priest, who seemed to have absolutely no interest in the person for whom he was performing a funeral. Chandler glanced at the five people next to him-Monica, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Mike, all of whom were bawling their eyes out. But Chandler's eyes were dry, and had been since he'd heard the news.  
  
"And now," the priest said, with a bit more enthusiasiam, now he was done with his part of the ceremony, "We have Joseph's best friend, Chandler Bing, who would like to say a few words."  
  
Chandler took a deep breath and stood up. He didn't know why he'd agreed to do this. When Mr. and Mrs. Tribbiani had approached him about speaking at the ceremony, his first instict had been "Why me? Joey hated me." But the Tribbianis didn't know how Joey had felt about Chandler. They remembered Chandler as Joey's best friend. And so, consequently, Chandler was forced to speak, more for the Tribbiani's sake than anyone elses.  
  
"Joey Tribbiani," he began slowly, "was, um, my best friend. And my roommate, for years. And, well, he the best roommate you could ever ask for. I remember a couple days after he moved in, we bonded over Baywatch. And after that, there was nothing that could seperate us.  
  
"I guess you could say we lived a typical bachelor life. We had four other wonderful friends and they were always there for us. We hung out a lot, drank coffee, ate pizza. But.....it went deeper than that, too. Joey and I.....we just understood each other. To this day, I really don't know why, because we were completely different. Joey was the handsome, ladies man who always got the girl, and I was the awkward one who had trouble just asking girls out. But we connected.  
  
"That connection is gone now, and I guess I'm still trying to work out how I'm ever going to live without it. And usually at funerals, the speaker talks about how he knows he can move on, and all that. But I don't think I can, because I'm really not sure how yet. So I guess all I have to say today is that I hope Joey's at peace. With God. Because he deserves it. So," he took a deep, shaky breath, "may angels lead you in, my friend," he whispered, "May angels lead you in."  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
puleeeese review or i won't continue! thanx! 


	6. Dreams of Memories

and we've arrived at part six! im so sorry to kill joey, but this is really more of a chandler and monica fic, tho it may not seem like it now. it will, don't worry! anyways, thanks for reviewing, please keep it up. this fic is actually really hard for me to write, so reviews are definitely helpful! so anyway, please enjoy this and review!  
  
Part Six  
  
Flashback:  
  
"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" Chandler read off the script as he rhearsed lines with Joey.  
  
"Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die!" came the response.  
  
"Hey, that was really good!" Chandler exclaimed.  
  
"Thanks! Let's keep going."  
  
"Okay," said Chandler, "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"  
  
I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke," Joey said.  
  
"Smoke away." Chandler ordered, and with that Joey took out a packet of cigarettes. When, after much struggle, he got one lit, he took a drag and began to cough, hard.  
  
" I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone," Chandler laughed.  
  
"What?" Joey asked.  
  
"Relax your hand!" Joey took Chandler's advice and his hand went limp.  
  
"Not so much!" Chandler helped him.  
  
"Whoah!"  
  
"Alright, now try taking a puff." Joey did so and winced.  
  
"Alright.... okay. No. Give it to me."  
  
"No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette!" Joey said quickly.  
  
"It's fine, it's fine," Chandler assured, "Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here." Reluctantly, Joey gave him the cigarette.  
  
Return to Present  
  
Suddenly, Chandler awoke in a cold sweat. He sat straight up in bed, panting. Every night, without fail, it'd been like this. Some memory, some insignicant memory of him and Joey always visited him in his dreams. And to Chandler, those dreams were often more frightening than nightmares.  
  
He laid back on his pillow, trying desperately to calm down. But he couldn't. Ever since the funeral, he'd been haunted. Haunted by the fight he'd had with Joey. Haunted by the fact that Joey's last words to him had been "We're through." But most of all, haunted by the words he never got to say to his best friend.  
  
So what would you  
  
Think of me now  
  
So lucky, so strong, so proud?  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
now I'll never have a chance  
  
"It's my fault that Joey died without hearing those words," Chandler thought to himself, "I had a million oppurtunities to tell him and I never did." That, in Chandler's mind, made him more of the bad guy than the arsonist who'd killed Joey in the first place. "It's my fault Joey died unhappily," Chandler thought. And that, certainly, was enough to make Chandler realize he might never be happy himself, again.  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
PLEASE REVIEW-PROMISE THIS IS GOING SOMEWHERE! 


	7. Need To Get Out

aaand part seven! thanks for reviewing-you guys are great! anyways, please review this part, it's alot longer!  
  
Part Seven  
  
"I don't know what's wrong with him," Monica said, exasperated, to Rachel over the phone. "It's like he just doesn't care anymore. He doesn't talk, he barely ever eats, he just goes to work, comes home and sleeps."  
  
"Monica, give the guy a break. He just lost his best friend," Rachel said sympathetically.  
  
"I know, Rach, and I know Joey and Chandler had a different relationship than we did, but I'm grieving, too. And so are you, and Ross and Phoebe and Mike. But none of us are acting like this."  
  
"Maybe it's just his way of dealing. Everybody grieves differently."  
  
"But it's not healthy," Monica argued, "He's losing weight, and if he doesn't eat, that'll keep happening. Plus, our relationship is gone. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. And the baby. He used to be so excited about the baby. Now he doesn't even ask."  
  
Rachel had to admit that Chandler did sound like he was in serious trouble. "Have you tried talking to him?"  
  
"About a million times. He won't say anything. Just that he's fine and to leave him alone."  
  
"Maybe Ross should talk to him," Rachel said.  
  
"Well," Monica sighed, "I don't think it'll do anything, but I guess it's worth a shot."  
  
Chandler sat at his desk, head down, scanning a proposal he was supposed to read. The days were beginning to settle into a pattern-Chandler awoke, and without a word to anyone, got dressed and left for work. At work, he stayed as quiet as possible, got whatever he had to get done, and left. To avoid going home, he'd drive around for hours, with no destination in mind. But it kept him from going home.  
  
In Chandler's mind, spending as little time at home as possible was best. When he wasn't around other people, he couldn't hurt them like he'd hurt Joey. He'd let Joey die an unhappy man, and that, in Chandler's mind, was the worst kind of hurt you could cause anyone. So he strayed away from the world of people, so he could avoid causing more pain than he already had.  
  
Finally, Chandler finished reading the proposal and got up from his desk, sighing in relief. Work was over. There'd been a time when he'd enjoyed his job, even looked forward to coming to work. But he didn't now, not anymore. Joey could no longer enjoy his job. So Chandler shouldn't enjoy his either.  
  
Chandler exited his office building, but he'd not yet reached his car when his old work pal, Zack, came running up to him. "Hey, Chandler, long time no talk," Zack greeted.  
  
Chandler stuffed his hands in his pockets, "Uh, yeah, I guess," he said quietly.  
  
"So how're things going? I hear Monica's pregnant. How far along is she?"  
  
"About four months," Chandler mumbled. He didn't know much about the baby anymore-he figured he didn't need to screw up the baby's life, too, but he did at least know how far Monica was.  
  
"Do you guys know the sex yet?"  
  
"Uh, no," Chandler said, "No, we don't." The truth was Chandler didn't know. When Monica had first gotten pregnant, Chandler had gone to the doctor's appointments, seen the sonogram and everything-and he'd been so excited. But he figured Monica had had at least one doctor's appointment in the past month or so since Joey's death, and Monica might've found out the sex. It was then Chandler realized he'd never asked how the appointments had gone. But then again, he figured, what he didn't say couldn't hurt someone. Not wanting to talk to Zack about the baby any longer, Chandler said, "Look, Zack, I've gotta run. I'll see you tomorrow." Before Zack could so much as say good-bye, Chandler had hopped into his car.  
  
Thinking about the baby had shaken Chandler up more than he wanted to admit. As much as he felt it was best for his unborn child for Chandler not to be involved-he'd only screw him up-Chandler couldn't help thinking about the baby sometimes. He wanted so badly to be involved, in both the baby and Monica's life. But the reality of the situation was he couldn't be. That reality was growing clearer and clearer to Chandler every day. All he'd do is make them unhappy-he wouldn't tell them things they needed to hear, he'd make them die unhappily-just like he'd done to Joey.  
  
If only Joey had lived just a few more days. Not that Chandler wanted Joey dead, not at all. But maybe, just maybe, Chandler thought, if Joey lived a few more weeks or days, Chandler would've had time to tell him those things. But Chandler couldn't turn back time. All that was ahead was his future, and Chandler had already decided how that would go-he needed to get out of the lives of the people he cared about.  
  
And if you were  
  
With me tonight  
  
I'd sing to you just  
  
One more time  
  
A song for a heart so big  
  
God wouldn't let it live  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! 


	8. The Note

sorry this is so short.......school started today, and well that's enuf of an explanation, aint it? lol! anyway, i hope you enjoy this part.......and i hope you review it. i really would like some reviews cuz with my schedule now, it's crazy to write and reviews really inspire me. if i dont get reviews.....well, this prolly will be taken off cuz it's not worth it. but if i do-well, ill keep writing! thanks-please enjoy and review!  
  
disclaimer: not mine, never will be!  
  
Part Eight  
  
"I'm telling you, Rach, I tried everything," Ross said to his wife, "He just kept saying he was fine and to leave him alone."  
  
Rachel shook her head, "Ross, I'm worried," she said softly, "Really, really worried."  
  
Ross pursed his lips and sighed, "So am I, Rach, so am I," he whispered.  
  
Dear Monica, the love of my life, and so much more,  
  
There are really no words to explain just how much I love you, just as there are really no words to explain why I need to leave. I am not leaving because I am mad at you, or because I want a divorce or anything. The thing is, I feel I need to leave to protect you. I cannot hurt the two people I love more than life, those people being you and the baby, and if I stay, that's what I'll wind up doing.  
  
Please, please move on and find somebody else. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and I know that there's someone out there who will make you happy and who won't hurt you like I will. So please, find someone.  
  
I love you, and please don't ever forget that you haven't done anything wrong. You're the most amazing person I've ever met, and I love you so much.  
  
With all the love in my heart,  
  
Chandler  
  
Monica sat reading the note, unable to move, speak, cry, do anything. Now she understood how Chandler had not been able to cry at Joey's funeral. This kind of grief was beyond tears. How-why.......why was he doing this? She'd known something was going on with him, but she'd figured time would heal it. She'd never expected this. But it was true.  
  
Monica knew she couldn't just withdraw from the world. She had a baby to care for-Chandler's baby, the one link she had left of him. She was determined not to become like Chandler had after Joey's death. Almost immediately, she called Ross and Rachel, and Rachel came to stay with her for a few days, to cook and to help her. Monica tried to act strong, for the baby's sake, but she knew she couldn't keep up a facade for very long. Sooner or later, the full impact of what Chandler had done was going to hit her. And she had no idea how she'd deal when it did.  
  
please review-lemme know if you want this to continue. if you don't-it won't be! 


	9. Late Night Walks

first off, thanks to EVERYONE for reviewing! one of my absolute favorite authors, Madelyn, reviewed this, and i was like "woah!"......cuz when some writer you admire so much reviews your work......it's like the ultimate compliment! so thanks to her and everyone else out there! this fic is a really new experience for me......ive never really done angst, but im having a fun time with it, and i hope you're enjoying reading this. im hoping to break 100 reviews, and there's about five more chapters after this, so......keep 'em coming! enjoy part nine-thanks!  
  
disclaimer: not mine, never will be, never have been. but it's a whole lot easier to use them than to make up my own characters!  
  
Part Nine  
  
For Chandler, it'd become a routine- his long, late night walks down the streets of Hartford. He knew it was probably dangerous, but he didn't care much-it wasn't as if he was really living. He was simply existing.  
  
He'd had to stay in Connecticut for his job-he figured the least he could do was support Monica, so he'd decided to send monthly checks. And in order for the checks to be able to be sent, he had to keep on working. But he'd moved into the city to get as far as humanly possible away from his home.  
  
The late night walks seemed to be the only thing he looked forward to now. All day, he worked quickly so he could have more time at night to walk. For him, it was his time to think, his time to remember. During his walks, he always carried two pictures-one of Monica, and one of the entire gang together. The only time he ever viewed those pictures was during his walks. He didn't know why. But once the walks were over, back went the pictures into his pocket.  
  
During one of his walks, about a month and a half after he'd left Monica, Chandler was sitting on a park bench, the two pictures in his hand. He was not paying much attention to the picture of the gang, though, he was mostly focused on Monica's picture. Slowly, he lifted it to his lips and kissed it gently. "I miss you so much," he whispered.  
  
It was then Chandler decided something-living was too much for him anymore. He couldn't take the pain. And maybe if he was no longer on this Earth, he could stop causing pain to the people he loved. And stop causing pain to himself. He knew he was being selfish, but he couldn't take it any longer. Monica'd be okay-she'd get pension from his office. So it was decided, he thought, as he stood up and headed home.  
  
Once home, he reached for a container of sleeping pills he often used when he couldn't sleep at night-which was most every night nowadays. Taking a deep breath, he unscrewed the cap, poured the contents of the bottle into his hand, and swallowed, hard.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! 


	10. Gonna Let Me?

hey every1! thanks for reviewing the last chapter, i was so happy! two of my fav authors (madelyn and monica-bing) reviewed it, and i was thrilled! so thanks to them and also to every1 else (if your a writer who also reviewed it, im sure your a great writer too, i just havent read ur fics!) who reviewed! please review this......it may seem like it's over, but it's not! so please enjoy and review!  
  
disclaimer: not mine, nor is the song.  
  
Part Ten  
  
Monica was awakened in the middle of the night by the shrill ringing of her telephone. Grumbling, she reached for the phone by her bedside, wondering who on earth would be telephoning her at one o'clock in the morning. "Hello?" she said gruffly.  
  
"Monica? Monica Bing?" Monica winced at the mention of "Bing", but responded.  
  
"Yes, this is she. Who's this?"  
  
"This is Zack, Zack Ryder, from your husband Chandler's office. We met once or twice, I think."  
  
"Yes, I rememeber," Monica said tiredly, "Why are you calling, Zack?"  
  
"Well, I went over to Chandler's apartment tonight to drop off some papers. I knocked, but there was no answer. The door was unlocked, so I went in. I was just going to drop off the papers, but when I went in, I found Chandler in the middle of the living room, unconscious."  
  
Monica sucked in her breath, "What's wrong with him? Is he sick? Did someone hurt him?"  
  
Zack took a deep breath, "Monica, there was an open pill bottle next to him, empty. He tried to commit suicide."  
  
Monica's every thought was hanging on one word-tried. "Tried?" she whispered.  
  
"He's still alive," Zack said hopefully, "I called 911, and I'm at the hospital right now. I know you're pregnant, so I'd like to come get you, but I thought I'd call first so you could be ready."  
  
Monica brushed tears away, "Yes, please, come get me," she whispered, "But first....how is he?"  
  
"To tell you the truth, I haven't heard much," Zack said softly, "They might tell you more. I'll be there in a few minutes."  
  
Monica nodded, numbly, and whispered, "Okay."  
  
Half an hour later, Monica entered the emergency room waiting area, desperate for some kind of news. Though she was still confused and hurt at Chandler's sudden disappearance a month ago, she'd never stopped loving Chandler. Though he hadn't been with her this past month, she'd still taken comfort in the fact that he was on this Earth with her. But if he died.....no, she couldn't take it. Not after Joey. Not ever.  
  
"Please," she begged a nurse, "I'm with Chandler Bing, can you tell me how he is?"  
  
"Are you immediate family?" the nurse questioned.  
  
Monica nodded furiously, "Yes, I'm his wife."  
  
The nurse nodded, "Mr. Bing overdosed on sleeping pills. We were able to get most of it out of his system, but he still hasn't woken up. If he survives tonight, chances are he'll be okay. But the pills did quite a bit of damage to his heart, so you never know. It could go either way."  
  
Monica nodded, scared to death, "Can I please stay with him?" she whispered hopefully.  
  
The nurse nodded and lead her down the corridor. A few seconds later, Monica found herself seated by her husband's bedside, holding his hand. She shook her head sadly at the sight of all the monitors and IV's in the room. "How could you do this to yourself, baby?" she whispered, "How could you?"  
  
She sat for a few more minutes, trying to decide whether she was angry at him or not. She knew, partly, that he wasn't completely to blame. Part of her had known, after Joey's death, that he needed therapy or something, and she hadn't made she he got it. And now that he'd done this......he obviously needed help. "If you wake up, baby," she whispered, "You'll have the best, I promise. It's my fault you got to this point.....if I'd only seen....." she drifted off, her voice choking up, "But if you wake up, I promise, you'll have someone. And we'll talk about this, I promise. Please, Chandler, please wake up. We can start over. I forgive you for leaving me. Please, please wake up so we can start over. I love you so much." With that, she stopped, unable to cry, but unable to keep on speaking. So she just sat, in silence, holding her husband's hand, and praying he wouldn't be joining his best friend, anytime soon.  
  
Monica finally drifted off to sleep, still clutching tightly to Chandler's hand. When she awoke, she discovered it was eight o'clock, and Chandler was still alive. She smiled and whispered, "Honey, you did it. You made the night. Now all you've got to do is wake up. Can you do that for me? Please, Chandler, for me and the baby. If you wake up, we're gonna get you help, and then you can be a daddy, just like you were gonna be.....please Chandler...." she whispered, "Please."  
  
Nothing happened. She sighed, and sat back in her chair, closing her eyes again. She rubbed her belly with her free hand, wondering if her baby really was going to have a daddy. Suddenly, she felt her other hand being squeezed. She froze. "Chandler?" she whispered.  
  
Chandler was opening his eyes. And slowly, as he did, he whispered weakly, "You're really gonna let me be a daddy?"  
  
Monica's eyes filled with tears of joy. "Yeah, baby, I am," she said gently, "I am."  
  
seee.......i didn't kill chandler! very few authors can do that and i just can't! lol, so please review this! again, it may seem like it's over, but it's not, so please keep 'em coming! thnks! 


	11. Finally Seeing the Truth

okay, this is kinda a filler chapter, in that it isn't exactely necessary to the story. but i like it, and i hope you do, too. it may seem, at the end of this, that the story is over, but there's still two more chapters, so don't give up on this! oh, and thanks for the reviews on chapter ten. as i said, im really hoping to get 100 reviews on this story, so that's just about thirty more! so please help me reach my goal! it'd mean a ton to me! enjoy this chapter!  
  
disclaimer: the song isn't mine, much as i wish i could sing and write that great! nor are the characters, much as i wish i was a zillionaire!  
  
Part Eleven  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Chandler looked up at the sky, wondering if Joey was looking down. He certainly hoped that he was. Maybe he'd be proud. Chandler hoped he was. He was certainly trying to make Joey proud.  
  
After his release from the hospital, he'd gone straight home to Monica. He'd told her, over and over, that he no longer deserved to be her husband and to be the father of her baby, not after what he'd done, but she'd insisted. And, she, truly, was the reason he was alive today.  
  
Then there was therapy, which was where he was going today. Monica had truly done her homework, and had found him the best therapist out there. At that time, he'd still be so far into his self-hatred that he didn't think any therapist could help him. But he went for Monica's sake.  
  
It turned out to be the best thing he'd ever done. Marc, his therapist had helped him deal with Joey's death in ways Chandler had never imagined. And Chandler had begun to realize that, more than likely, Joey had not died an unhappy man because of his fight with Chandler. Joey had as many oppurtunities as Chandler had to apologize and he hadn't. The fight wasn't anyone's fault, really. But it'd taken Chandler a long time to realize that.  
  
Chandler arrived at therapy, and checked in. He smiled at the receptionist, who smiled back, thrilled to see the new man Chandler had become. He'd been coming for three months now, and she'd never seen a patient change so much. Chandler sat down in the waiting room until Marc came out. "Come on in, Chandler," he said.  
  
"So," Marc began as they sat down, "Today I'd actually like to talk about your suicide attempt." Marc put in bluntly-he didn't beat around the bush when it came to his patients. Chandler nodded, and Marc continued, "What I'd really like to know, I suppose, is what lead you to that point?"  
  
Chandler sighed, "I guess.......I had myself so convinced that I'd hurt Joey so badly that.....I figured, if I wasn't around to hurt people anymore, the world would be better off. And I also hated myself so much for hurting people that I could barely stand to look at myself."  
  
Marc nodded, "Now, let me ask.....are you happy that your attempt was unsuccessful?"  
  
Chandler was silent for a long time. "At first I wasn't," he said finally, "At first, when I woke up and Monica was there, I was petrified because I knew I'd hurt her-again. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. But finally she made me see that if I had died, she would've been hurt a hundred times more. When I saw that, I was definitely happy I didn't die."  
  
Marc smiled, "You know, Chandler," he said, "I think you're gonna be just fine. Just keep that wife of yours around."  
  
Chandler nodded, "Most definitely."  
  
aw, aren't ya glad he's happy again? lol! anyway, pleaaaaase review.....it'd be a huge thing for me to break 100 reviews on this! so help me out! thanks! you guys are the best! thanks for sticking with the story-just two more chapters to go! 


	12. Surprises and Revelations

thnxs for reviews! Writing angst is difficult, but reviews make it a ton easier! anyway, please enjoy this and review-one more chapter after this!  
  
Part Twelve  
  
disclaimer: not mine, never will be.  
  
"Okay, now don't look." Chandler said as he lead his wife down the street.  
  
"Chandler, where on earth are you taking me?" Monica said as she waddled along with her eight month pregnant belly.  
  
"It's a surprise," Chandler said, and finally, he lead her over and sat her down.  
  
"Okay, can I please take off the blindfold now?" Monica asked impatiently.  
  
Chandler chuckled, "Yeah, go ahead."  
  
Monica took off her blindfold to reveal a gorgeous, candle-lit picnic that Chandler had set up in his favorite Hartford park. Hartford was just a half-hour away from their house and they'd often strolled through this park together. "Oh, sweetie, you didn't have to do this."  
  
"But," Chandler said, "I wanted to."  
  
Monica smiled. Since he'd been going to therapy, he'd become Chandler Bing again. Gone was the sullen, silent Chandler from after Joey's death-a new, happier Chandler had taken his place. He was still different from before-his attempt at taking his life had changed him forever, and he'd probably still need therapy for awhile. But he was back. She had her husband back.  
  
They ate in silence for a few minutes, until Monica caught Chandler not eating-just staring up at the sky. "What's wrong, honey?" she said cautiously.  
  
"It's just.....do you ever wonder if he can see what we're doing? If he knows?"  
  
Monica contemplated that, "I think so," she said after awhile, "I think everyone up there....all of our loved ones, they're all looking out for us. And," she said slowly, "I think that's why we're here, together, why you're still alive. Because Joey, and all your other loved ones up there protected you."  
  
Chandler's voice dropped, "You think so?" he said, barely audible.  
  
Monica nodded, "Yeah, I do."  
  
"I guess....I guess that would mean Marc's right," Chandler said slowly.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"That Joey's not mad at me anymore."  
  
Monica smiled, "Honey, Marc's definitely right. I don't think Joey has ever been mad at you longer than a few hours. Maybe just frusterated- with you, with himself. But never so mad he'd want you to die."  
  
"But.....what about all those things I never got to say?" Chandler said softly.  
  
"I think," Monica said, taking a deep breath, "I think Joey already knew them."  
  
Chandler nodded, and took Monica in his arms. "I miss him," he whispered, "I miss him so much."  
  
"I do too," Monica said softly, "I do too." And with her words, both of them did something they hadn't allowed themselves to do since Joey's funeral-they broke down.....and allowed tears to fall.  
  
please review, there's one more chapter, but i wont post it unless you review! 


	13. One More Late Night Phone Call

hey every1! this is the last part, but there could be an epilogue if youd like one! please let me know in your reviews! thanks!  
  
disclaimer: not mine, nor is the song!  
  
Part Thirteen  
  
A month later, Rachel was awakened in the middle of the night by the phone ringing. The past few months has taught her that a midnight phone call was not a good thing. She jumped out of bed, nearly knocking Ross out in the process, and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Rach?" Chandler's excited voice boomed, "I'm at the hospital. Monica's in labor!"  
  
Rachel smiled, and silently thanked God-finally a phone call that brought good news. "Ross and I'll leave right now," she promised, and hung up-not looking forward to the task of waking her sleepy husband.  
  
"Okay, c'mon, honey you can do this," Chandler said, trying his best to console his wife.  
  
"No-uh, I can't, Chandler, it hurts too much. I can't do this," she said, panting heavily.  
  
"Yes, yes you can," Chandler assured, then his voice got softer, "Baby, you're the strongest person I know, both physically and emotionally. You can do this. If there was ever anyone who could, it's you."  
  
Monica smiled, forgetting her pain momentarily. But then it returned. "Arrg! I'm gonna kill you for doing this to me," she shouted, and Chandler chuckled.  
  
"Honey, you know I'd do this for you in a second," he said.  
  
"Ah, you wouldn't be able to take this for a second!" she wailed.  
  
"You're probably right," Chandler said, and kissed her forehead. "C'mon, sweetie, just remember, when this is over, we're gonna have a baby. A baby."  
  
His words hit the spot and Monica pushed harder. Chandler grinned. "I knew you could do it," he whispered.  
  
"Maybe I can do it now," Monica said, still a bit angry, "But this baby may be an only child!"  
  
"Let's just get this over with and see," Chandler said, "C'mon, honey, push."  
  
"I see a head!" the doctor exclaimed and Chandler nearly fainted. He was almost a father. Just a few more seconds and.......  
  
"Waaah!" Chandler heard the wailing cries of a baby. His baby. His and Monica's baby.  
  
"It's a boy!" the doctor said, and passed the baby to Monica after he'd been cleaned up.  
  
"A boy....." Chandler whispered, absentmindidly kissing Monica's forehead, "I have a son. We....we have a son."  
  
"Yeah," an exhausted Monica whispered, "We do."  
  
"I can't believe how much I love him already," Chandler said, "I don't even know him, but....."  
  
"I can't believe it, either." Monica said softly.  
  
"I love you," Chandler whispered, and kissed her gently, careful not to hit the baby.  
  
"I love you, too," Monica smiled, "So, got a name for this little guy?"  
  
"Well....I have an idea. I'm not sure you'll like it."  
  
"Try me."  
  
Chandler whispered his idea in Monica's ear and she smiled. "It's perfect," she whispered, "Absolutely perfect."  
  
"It's a boy!" Chandler said as he rushed out in the waiting room to greet the Gellers, Phoebe, and Mike. "A gorgeous, healthy baby boy!"  
  
"That's great!" everyone exclaimed at the same time.  
  
"How's Mon?" Ross asked.  
  
"Exhausted, but great.....she wants to see everybody. Up to it?"  
  
They all nodded and followed Chandler back to Monica's room. "Hey, guys," she said tiredly, holding the baby in her arms, "Meet the new member of the Bing family."  
  
"Mon, he's gorgeous," Rachel whispered.  
  
"Perfect," Phoebe agreed, and she rubbed her own stomach as Mike smiled at her.  
  
"What's his name?" Emma asked curiously.  
  
"Well," Chandler said, crossing to stand next to his wife. He looked at her, and she nodded, encouraging him to continue. "We'd like you all to meet Joseph Tribbiani Bing."  
  
Every member of the group looked around at eachother and nodded in approval. It truly was the perfect name.  
  
please review! want an epliogue? lemme know! 


	14. Epilogue: One More Speech

Okay, first off I'd just like to thank everyone for reviewing-I did break 100, and then some! So thank you, thank you, thank you! Thanks especially to all those who have reviewed every chapter since the beginning (there are too many to name individually-but you know who you are!) You guys have really kept me going when this got tough to write. Anyway, every review I got asked for an epilogue, so here it is! Oh, but I did get one review that said "This is based on the silly TV show isn't it? If it is you really missed the mark, if its not based on the TV show then you are guilt of stealing anothers intellectual property." And okay, maybe some people would be insulted by that, but you know what? I just laughed! Okay, why would they be reading fanfiction if they didn't like things to be based on TV shows....I mean, duh! Lol....anyway, just thought id share that, it's truly the funniest review I've ever gotten! Anyway, hope you enjoy the epilogue!  
  
Dedicated to all those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. This chapter is also dedicated to John Ritter, who brought us many laughs. (I know these are a few days old, but I felt they were still appropriate)  
  
disclaimer: the song "hear you me" is not mine, it's jimmy eat world's. and the characters belong to bright, kaufmann and crane.  
  
Epilogue  
  
Six Months Later:  
  
"I'd like to welcome our speaker today," the priest said, "Mr. Chandler Bing, Joseph's best friend."  
  
Chandler took a deep breath and stood up. The last time he'd done this, it'd been one year ago, at Joey's funeral. Now, at Joey's one year memorial service, Chandler wasn't quite sure he was ready to speak again, but he knew he had to. For Joey, looking down from Heaven, for his wife, for his friends, and for little Joey, his son.  
  
"Good afternoon," Chandler said slowly, "One year ago, I stood up here and told you all I didn't know if I was ever going to get over Joey's death. Well, it's a year later, and I'm still trying. I think we all are. It doesn't just take a couple of a months, or even a year to get over someone-that much I've learned. I think....I think those people who say they're over their dead loved ones are lying. Beacause you never 'get over it'. But you can move on, and live life the way you know they'd want you to.  
  
"I'm not particulary proud of some things I've done in the past year, and I know Joey wouldn't be either. But I also know that just because he doesn't approve doesn't mean he doesn't love me, because he does-he still loves all of us. And if there's one thing I've learned in the past year, it's that all of us sitting in this room, all the people on the Earth who knew and loved Joey Tribbiani have got a permanent gaurdian angel. And he never stops protecting us.  
  
"One of the things I've struggled with this past year is all of the things I never got to say to Joey. All of the thank yous, the I'm sorrys, and the I love yous, all of that. I always kept those words in, always thinking I'd have another chance. But if there's anything I've learned from Joey's death, it's that you don't necessarily get another chance. So I was devastated, thinking I'd let Joey die without knowing those things. But a few months ago, my wife said to me that she was pretty sure Joey already knew all of those things. And you know what?" Chandler smiled, "I think he did. So for all of you who, like me, were hurting because Joey didn't hear that you loved him before he died......well, he probably knew it. Why else would he be our gaurdian angel?  
  
"I've been told there's a difference between trying to keep a person alive, and trying to keep a person's memory alive. I've spoken to many people who've struggled to keep Joey alive for the past year, and realized that they can't. You can't keep someone alive by trying to pretent they're still here. Much as it is in our human insticnt to try, it's impossible, that much I've learned. But I think, by coming together today, we can all say we're making an effort to keep Joey's memory alive. I hope, most sincerely, that all of us continue to make that effort, always.  
  
"So, today, remember Joey as you loved to think of him. Remember him for his acting skills, for the way he played Dr. Drake Ramoray, for the way he played all of his roles-with true effort. Remember him for the great family man he was-for the way he loved his parents with all his heart, and the way he protected his sisters. Remember him for the amazing friend he was-the way he was willing to go out of his way to make his friends happy, for the way he was willing to risk his own heart to save one of his friend's. Remember him for the wonderful person he was. And most of all, remember that he's up there, waiting for all of us to join him. And what a party it'll be when we all do."  
  
Chandler took a deep breath and his speech ended. He returned to his seat, and took Monica's hand as the service continued. "That was perfect," she said, squeezing his hand.  
  
Chandler smiled, and looked around him, at all he had. His friends were sitting-smiling. They knew Joey was at peace. And they all, including Chandler had come to accept that. There would be no crying today. Today was a day to celebrate Joey. And then there was his wife.....Chandler knew he had the perfect wife, and couldn't ask for more. Finally, of course, there was his son. Chandler smiled and took tiny, six month old Joey's hand in his. He turned to Monica. "What would Joey think of me now?" he whispered, "A dad? A public speaker?" he joked.  
  
Monica smiled, "I bet he'd be proud," she whispered.  
  
Chandler's voice turned sad, "He made me the man I am. I never said thank you for that."  
  
"He knew it anyway," Monica said softly, "He knew it anyway."  
  
And Chandler knew, with full confidence, that she was right.  
  
There's no one in town I know  
  
You gave us some place to go  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
I thought I might get  
  
One more chance  
  
What would you  
  
Think of me now  
  
So lucky, so strong, so proud?  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
now I'll never have a chance  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
So what would you  
  
Think of me now  
  
So lucky, so strong, so proud?  
  
I never said thank you for that  
  
now I'll never have a chance  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
And if you were  
  
With me tonight  
  
I'd sing to you just  
  
One more time  
  
A song for a heart so big  
  
God wouldn't let it live  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
Hear you me my friends  
  
On sleepless roads  
  
The sleepless go  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
May angels lead you in  
  
last a/n (*sob*): lol, anyway, wut did you think? Let me know....this was kind of a different epilogue, I know, but I just had this idea and I ran with it. Anyway, id like to know if I should continue writing angsty stuff or if I should stick with the romancey, general stuff. Let me know in your reviews. I do have a fic in the works right now that is kind of both categories, but im hesitant to post it. Let me know if I should. Anyway, thanks for sticking with this. It's been a great experience for me, at least. Anyway, one last request: please review! Answer all my above questions, please! Thanxs, hugs and kisses to everyone! 


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